Health and happiness - by order of the government

Thursday May 6, 2010

What do we have in store if Labour are re-elected today, asks Rose Whiteley

We all know that the Labour Government takes great pride in offering helpful advice to enable us all to be happy and live longer (as is our duty as UK citizens). I don’t know about you, but my sense is that they are disappointed at the failure of some of us to embrace its ideals, and will need to develop new measures (and enforcement) to make sure we all stay on-message in future.

It’s Election Day and I’ve been looking into my crystal ball to see what we might be able to look forward to if Labour are re-elected today. Here are my top five predictions:

1. Early to bed

UK and Italian researchers have this week suggested that getting fewer than six hours sleep a night can lead to premature death. Taking this on board, I predict a new Labour Government will instigate a national “Time for bed” SMS alert (already code-named the Zebedee Project) to coincide with the end of Newsnight. The alert will remind us that a milky drink (skimmed, obviously) is a good accompaniment to an early night.
If this is unsuccessful, I predict a street curfew (policed by armed Community Support Officers, just to be sure).

2. Turn off that children’s TV

There are more calls for children’s TV to be limited this week, although according to the BBC, “UK experts said parents could allow young children to watch ‘some’ high quality TV”. Since the message clearly isn’t getting through, I predict Labour will monitor TV consumption in households containing children (hell, why stop there – all households) and turn off anything it considers excessive or low quality after one hour. Fortunately, it’s already rolled out the national Freeview programme in preparation.

3. Exposure to sun
Hopefully, most of us have by now got the message that we should stay out of the sun. Permanently. However, I predict that those showing any sign of a suntan will be monitored to ensure that in future they leave the house for essential business only. It will be straightforward to extend the penal electronic tag system for this purpose, and public opinion should be easy to win over “to avoid cancer”. Of course, sun beds will also be banned, and unfortunately it will also be necessary to ban fake tan products, in order to avoid any unseemly and expensive compensation claims for false tagging.

4. You are what you eat (and drink)

Despite research showing that the so-called “overweight”, ie people with a body mass index (BMI) of 25 to 29.9, live longer on average than those with a “normal” BMI of between 18.5 and 24.9, we all know by now that we have an Obesity Epidemic on our hands (and hips), and that Something Must Be Done.

I predict that rubbish (normal and recycled) will be analysed using the new bin lid chips to provide a risk assessment for each household, covering junk foods, beer cans, wine and spirit bottles and cigarette ends. Health Promotion departments will be expanded so that those demonstrating unhealthy traits can be visited and monitored for improvement. Pregnant women will, of course, be under particular scrutiny.

5. Exciting advances in population control care

My easiest prediction of all is that the new NHS Summary Care Record will of course be updated to include data on all the above. In order to maximise the health and happiness of every UK citizen, obviously.

Vote wisely today, folks.